why so serious??

Hello lovelies,

Well, it has started once again, Grey's Anatomy, tonight was the premiere, and I don't want to ruin it for anyone, so if you have not watched it yet and intend to I would stop reading now, because I am going to try really hard to not give it away, but I dont know how successful I will be at that. so... SERIOUSLY, dont read on if you dont want me to spoil it for you. (and ps I know the picture to the right is really old, but I love it) Ok, well tonight's episode dealt with death, and grieving and going throught the five steps and everything of that nature, and as I was watching, I saw myself reflected in Meredith the most, she closed herself off, she didn't become a recluse, bust she didn't grieve, she didn't break down, she just kept going. She didn't want to talk about it, she didn't cry, and she didn't want to be touched. And as I was watching it made me think about the death of my grandfather. I was the same way, I don't deal with death. I just pretend like it does not exist, and when I am comfronted with it, I just keep going, and don't acknowledge it. That probably says something about me, and I am sure there is a therapist out there who would have some kind of reasoning for me, but thats just who I am, and how I deal. So tonight, my college roommate and I were talking about this, about death, and how people deal with it. And she recently lost a loved one, and I am going to try not to share too much about her because I dont want to expose her if she wouldn't want that, but I am going to try to show you more of myself through the discussion I had with her. We were remembering the last conversations we had with our loved ones, and how they were trying to comfort us, which was ironic since they were the ones dying, but I guess in a sense maybe they saw it as easier on them because they knew what was coming, and we would still have to keep going without them there. Now for myself I went alone to visit my Grandpa in the hospital, I drove there, and talked to him, and I think it was the first time we had ever hung out alone. It was scary to see him like that, but at the same time it allowed us to have a deeper relationship, even for just that small amount of time. Thats the memories that are the most vivid for me, the end, when he was laughing at me for crying so much, and putting his arm around me, which was different because we had always done the standard, hello, kiss on the cheek and hug, but we weren't overly affectionate, and we never really showed our emotions, but in that one instance he filled my memory with a lasting impression. He told me to stop crying or they were going to have to bring in a mop to clean up all my tears, and he said that he didn't want me there if I was going to be sad, I could only stay if I smiled. That was one of the last times I saw my grandpa, we got a call one saturday to come to the hospital, becuase he had died. I went completely silent, I didn't want to talk to anyone, I didn't cry, and I didn't want anyone to touch me. When we got to the hospital, I didn't know how to react. My brother and my mom were walking together, and then I saw my uncle and he hugged me, and it was surreal, but in that moment he gave me the strength to continue into the hospital. We went in and met with my grandma, and my daddy. It was just us in the room with my Grandfather, and everyone was weeping, and hugging, and I didn't react. I was hugging everyone, and I was sad, but I never cried. We finally left, and I got home, and I just went to my room, I wouldn't let anyone talk to me, or touch me. And i called my best friend and told her to come over, that I needed her. She came over, and just sat with me in the silence. And then I told her what had happened and she just held me while I cried, and we talked it through, and I knew it was coming, but its not something that I think you can ever fully prepare yourself for. We had a luncheon to celebrate his life, and I remember everyone was out in the backyard, and my family besides my grandma and my uncle stayed int the house and just reminsced. This was quite some time ago. And yet tonight I realized it wasn't something that I ever really processed, something that I fully went through, and it is so strange how things as irrelevant as tv dramas can trigger something inside of you. I think what I was thinking about most is how this summer I was thinking about my Abuelo alot. I don't know what triggered those thoughts, but I just missed him. I think it is partly regret, that I don't know as much about him as I would like to, which has caused me to get to know my family even better so that I know as much as I possibly can about them. But this summer I missed walking in the door and seeing him sitting in his spot at the head of the table, its still weird everytime I see my dad there instead, which I know is natural progression but it still irks me a little everytime. We ate outside all summer, and in the back of my mind I was always wondering if it was because a little piece of all of us was in denial, like for some reason if we didn't sit at the same table, that he isn't really gone. And so many things are changing in my Grandmother's house its strange, first the chair was replaced, the one he used to sit in to watch tv, and then the kitchen was re-done, and now the table has been replaced, along with the chairs, and each new thing made me wonder if this was making it easier on all of us, like was it a way for all of use to cope, and keep moving forward. Or was it simply re-decorating for the sake of re-decorating. Of course there is more to this story, a past behind the Grandpa I knew, and the one that the rest of the family did, but I think that as much as he has a past I am going to choose to only remember those last happy memories I have of him, the humorous ones, where he was trying to make me smile, ,the ones were he was making fun of the family, but really that was his way of showing his love for us. And what I remember best is that a little while after he had passed my grandma told me that the day I went to visit him, he called her and told her "you are never going to believe who visited me today," and my grandma told me that I was a light for him, a source of delight, and happiness, and I never knew that, and it makes me happy to know that he loved me.

Well lovelies, I know that was a little deeper than usual, but I wanted to share, because I feel like that has been bottled inside for a long time, and tonight I felt very exposed after my conversation with my old roommate, and I feel like I have finally worked through the stages of grief, and that this really helped. Thank you for being patient and understanding as you read this, it was therapuetic for me. And I promise the next time I blog it will not be so loaded, it will have a lighter note to it.

And as my Abuelo would always say "ok, ciao!"

xoxo

josslynn nicole